achieving goals

How to Set Goals, Stick to them and Achieve Them!

Do you set goals with excitement and gung-ho attitude that you are going to “crush” your goals, have fantastic energy and momentum at the start, make some great progress, but maybe a few weeks later, you find yourself slowing down, or perhaps even feeling unmotivated?

Why does this happen and more importantly, how can you make sure to see your goals through?

To understand how our brain works, picture an iceberg which will be representative of our brain. The tip of the iceberg that is visible symbolizes our conscious brain, which is only about 10% of our brain. This part of our brain stores both conscious and unconscious core beliefs. Core beliefs are the files we have that open up and have us react to situations in a certain way because of what we believe, which are formed unconsciously in childhood. These beliefs can serve us or not serve us today. The rest of the iceberg, which is 90%, is our unconscious brain, stores unconscious beliefs.

iceberg.jpg

We consciously set goals, or another word for this is setting INTENTIONS. So for example, when it comes to weight loss, you may set an intention to lose 20 pounds to improve your health. Let’s say you manage to stay on track to lose 10 pounds over the next eight weeks. Then the next couple weeks, you find yourself starting to eat more foods that do not serve your goals, you are exercising less often and you find yourself giving into your excuses. You even gain back four pounds.

What’s happening? Why are you getting off track from your intention?

Because somewhere in your unconscious part of your brain, you have limiting unconscious beliefs that are sabotaging your efforts. It may sound like, “I am not worthy of my desires”, “It is not safe to be in this body” (usually comes up in cases where a person has been abused as a child), “I do not deserve success”. Again these messages were created unconsciously as a young child (usually) based on our family system, and experiences with peers, teachers, and other influential people in our lives.

So even though you consciously are telling yourself, “Yes I REALLY do want to lose 20 pounds”, there is somewhere inside, unconsciously that does not agree with this. It’s based on fear.

So then, how can you make sure to see your goals through? Here is a blue print for you:

  • Write down your intentions/goals specifically. Track your progress. Remember, results are a reflection of what is happening in the unconscious brain. When you achieve results, your conscious and unconscious beliefs are in alignment. When you only make it up to a certain progress, then your conscious and unconscious minds are not matching.
  • If you notice you are plateauing, sabotaging, or regressing in your goals, take some time to write down honestly what is going on.

So in the example above, it’s acknowledging what is going on regarding behaviors. Writing down statements such as: “I am choosing to eat when I am bored, stressed or to reward myself.” “I am choosing to get distracted by unimportant things rather than work out.” Note the language that you are choosing to do these behaviors.

  • This next step can be a difficult one because you are addressing uncomfortable thoughts and feelings as you dig deeper into your unconscious:

Perhaps you do not feel safe in your body because of past experiences such as being bullied and teased for your body size; your body betrayed you someway with an illness, or you were sexually abused so you cannot trust that your body keeps you safe, because it did not.

Many times, what I see is that as my clients are losing weight, they are getting more attention. This makes them uncomfortable in their body, because of their past experiences. This is a good step to connect with a trained professional such as a coach or therapist to support you in this step to work through these unconscious core beliefs. We are wounded in relationships, so it only makes sense to be healed in relationships (starting with that of a trained professional).

  • Address how you will work through these limiting beliefs. A good start is to create a statement called an affirmation, that is the opposite of your limiting belief. So following the above example:

“ I am safe in this body now”. Repeat this statement consciously multiple times a day, especially when you are feeling triggered in feeling uncomfortable. In many ways, you are re-parenting your inner child.

You can also create concrete examples of how to cope with stress, boredom and rewards without turning to food. This is all about changing your self-talk and behaviors to support your new positive self-talk.

  • Get support. Once again, a mindset coach and/or a like-minded group can be extremely helpful to keep your accountability. Research shows that in the absence of the right support, unfortunately, environment always wins. So it’s important to surround yourself with like-minded, positive people who can cheer-lead and believe in you.

I hope this article helps you create breakthroughs to crush those goals this year! I’d love to support you if that resonates with you!

Rosalyn Fung, M.Sc., is Founder of Holistic Body Love Coaching Inc.,

a Self-Loveroz6 Transformational Coach & Registered Psychologist.

She loves inspiring others to be empowered in their relationship with food, body, money, health, confidence, and living a joyful and abundant life.

To schedule your COMPLIMENTARY strategy session to see how she can support you in achieving your goals, book here.

drunk alchoholic

5 Common Issues Children of Alcoholics Face as Adults

It is a club most never ask to join, but there is a solidarity among members that is hard to find anywhere else. Given a choice, most who belong wouldn’t have chosen the path that brought them there. Not only do they still carry the emotional, and sometimes physical, scars of that journey but some have been cursed to repeat the journey in their own lives.

drunkenAdult children of alcoholics (ACOA) spend most of their childhoods struggling to make sense of the insanity that is alcoholism, only to find out as adults that they still don’t have all the answers. Even more frustrating is the awareness that for all the promises that they were *never* going to be like *them* when they grew up, they often find themselves back in the vicious cycle of addiction.

One in four children under the age of 18 are exposed to alcoholism in their family, and those children are four times more likely to face their own addictions as adults. They are also more likely to marry someone dealing with alcoholism, either their own or with a similar family history. For some it can be a double-edged sword because they will either become the alcoholic, or marry one. Even if they escape the addictive personality, they are sometimes drawn to partners who will treat the as badly as they saw their parents treating each other.

Copycat Behaviors

Parents model many of the behaviors that children learn from, and that includes how to treat other people. If, for example, a son grows up seeing his alcoholic father or mother berate and belittle the other parent, he learns from their example how to 1) berate and belittle others; 2) what constitutes “acceptable” behavior in a relationship, especially if the other parent never stands up for themselves. It can create conflicting emotions as an adult because they will either look for someone they can bully, or try to find someone who will bully them.

Controlling Walls

child-of-alcoholic-hiding

As children, they saw or experienced painful behaviors from the alcoholic and so as adults, the walls they build are comprised of rigid routines, inflexible predictability, “no one will ever treat me like that,” and “I will never do that.” It is their way of controlling what they couldn’t control as children, and it helps to make them feel safe again.

When someone breaks one of their boundary rules, changes plans, or they feel  out of control in other ways, there can be a sudden reaction of anger and anxiety. Relationships can be swiftly and uncompromisingly ended. It is often “all or nothing” or “my way or the highway.”

Role Reversals

In some single parent homes where the parent is the alcoholic, children may roles reverse and it is the child that takes care of the parent. Often if there are multiple children in the home, the oldest child becomes the parent for all of them, because there were no other options. As an adult, an ACOA may become overly responsible, taking responsibility for things that are out of their control such as problems they didn’t cause or other people’s feelings.

Isolation as a Wall

alcoholicWith a childhood that was often filled with neglect, abuse, rejection, or feeling unloved, unwanted, and alone, ACOAs can have a hard time trusting others, making it hard to develop lasting relationships because they can’t bring themselves to open up to others in an effort to protect themselves from getting hurt again. They may not even know how to trust themselves, or honestly know who they are. They may have hidden their own emotions for so long, going along with what others wanted just to keep people from knowing them.

Approval Seekers

ACOAs want to be liked, loved, accepted and approved after childhoods filled with everything but those needs. They want to avoid conflict, and so they do whatever is necessary to make everyone happen, even at the sacrifice of their own desires. Hand in hand with people pleasing, ACOAs can also be perfectionists. In another effort to avoid conflict and criticism as a child, they sometimes had unattainable goals of perfection which may carry into adulthood.

A Brighter Future

While these are just a few of the traits that Adult Children of Alcoholics may have learned as coping mechanisms, there is hope for change. Counseling, or (free) groups like Al-Anon and ACOA, can provide help, direction, support, materials, and just the knowledge that you are not alone in your struggles. Sometimes the road to recovery begins with a  welcoming hug.


Jennifer Landis is a tea-drinking, yoga loving, clean eating blogger, writer, wife, and mother. You can find more from Jennifer at her blog, Mindfulness Mama.

Connect with someone

When was the Last Time You Connected with Someone?

life transformationI just recently took a 5-day personal development course put on by Creators Code, called “The Launch” on June 1st. It transformed me to another chapter in my journey called ‘life’. This was no ordinary personal development course. It is an experiential course that was 10-12 hours each day and we dived in deep! This course really inspired me to write this post.

 

I am Like You So Listen

I am here today blogging not as a psychologist but rather as just me- Rosalyn. I am not wearing my therapist hat, the wife, mom, sister, or daughter hat, I am here just like you, a regular human being. I see myself first as a human and my other roles as secondary. And what I learned from this personal development course is that sometimes who I am as a therapist hijacks my ability to be human. Although I show up authentically real with my clients: supporting, loving, direct (I call bullshit when I see it), I also have parts of me that I don’t show, because it isn’t appropriate or professional.  No one wants to see their therapist have a meltdown, right?😉

So my point is that sometimes I fear that people will be shocked when I express the range of human experiences in my personal life because “I’m a therapist and I should know better”. But guess what?  I sometimes get angry and scream at my kids. Sometimes I play small because I don’t want to seem like I am bragging or being too much. Other times I have moments of self-consciousness about my body, sometimes I am guarded, sometimes I zone out on Facebook because I don’t want to deal with life. These all sound like familiar behaviors to some of you, right? Yeah, we all have tactics for showing up in the world as a way to emotionally protect ourselves.

Who You and I Really Are

My work is to help people come back into their wholeness and essence of who they were when they were born – which is pure love, light, and joy. I sometimes forget to do this for myself because I am so passionate about helping others. I forget about me, but during this course, I was able to reconnect with that little girl in me that remembers playfulness, silliness, coloring outside the lines, and being unapologetically me.

rediscover the little girl in you

Can you imagine a world where we could all get back to being in our true essence? When we didn’t have to please anyone, play small so we don’t have to hurt others’ feelings, or toughen up because we don’t feel safe, disconnect from our heart because someone hurt it too many times. Imagine if we could speak the truth to one another without worrying about offending anyone. What about receiving feedback from others without feeling judged or offended?

I have this dream and I truly believe I’m on the path to contributing to it both professionally and personally. My dream and passion are to become a conscious loving human being and help others do the same. This entails being so aware not only of ourselves but also of those around us. Being conscious and collective where we love our neighbors and strangers. Showing up with kindness and compassion to ourselves and one another. Can you imagine the ripple effects this would create out in the world if people started to raise their level of self-love and loving presence to one another? There would eventually be less war, less violence, less bullying, less judgment, less shame, less abuse, less racism, less oppression, and less hate. Instead, there would be more peace, love, environmental awareness, and happiness, within ourselves and with those around us. There would be a sense of community.

So my whole point of this is to share with you how precious you are and to reflect on who you are when you aren’t wearing your different masks. This dream starts by learning to love yourself.

We were all once a young child, precious, perfect, and sweet. Who wouldn’t want to go back to before all the rules and experiences came along; before people started  telling us how to behave or not to behave. When you get blamed, usually someone else allows themselves to judge what you did as bad and put that on you. Then we form a story that we are bad because we are told so. So go back to remembering who you are before all that happened. Most of us won’t be able to, but most of us can probably think of a little newborn baby and immediately we melt, we ooooh and ahhhhh, and we think this baby is perfect. Well, that baby still is the essence of you.

Baby blogging

An Experiment for You to Try

I have an experiment for you to try to create a powerful and heartwarming experience:

The next time you are with a loved one, it could be your partner, a dear friend, sibling, your child (best if the child is 6 or older), or parent. Tell them that you’d like to try connecting with them in a way that you may not have done in a long time, and it involves touch and silence and a lot of heart.

I invite you to face that person, and hold each other’s hands; just look at each other in the eyes, keep eye contact, and just see if you can really see them. I realize it may feel awkward at first., so let the awkward feelings come up. Breathe; let the awkwardness pass and breathe some more. See if you can even match the rhythm of your breath together as you continue to look into each other’s eyes. Keep breathing so that your breath connects with your heart and then your belly as you continue to hold your gaze with each other.connect with child

Many people believe that our eyes are the windows to our soul.

So notice that this person that’s in front of you once was a child, precious, perfect, and sweet. Also, notice that this part of them still lives in them. Then notice your own experience in your body as you become aware of the other person’s preciousness as well as your own. In that very moment, appreciate this about the other person and in yourself. In that moment you do not have to please, play small, wall up, avoid, zone out, get defensive, or whatever you do to protect yourself from the world. You are just you being here having this experience; you are connected in your essence. Continue reading

dealing with setbacks

From Setback to Comeback: Here’s How to Do It!

Why Setbacks Hurt

dealing with a setback

1. The ideal didn’t materialize

When we embark on a new undertaking, we visualize the ideal outcome. These expectations often turn out to be misplaced. People we deal with are unpredictable, or we may not be as disciplined as we thought we were when we started. This disillusionment can be really discouraging. In one way or the other, every time you have a setback you say this to yourself: “My life isn’t what I’d hoped it would be, and that sucks!”

2. Self-doubt creeps in

Even the most confident of people experience self-doubt after a setback. We are not machines, we wonder if the path we are following is worth all the effort. You wonder if life would be easier if you just quit.

3. Helplessness becomes you

The worst part of any setback is the helplessness you feel. You want to have things under control. Having everything fit nice and tidy in your life gives you confidence. Having setbacks takes that away from you.

4. Self-pity is crushing you

Right now, when you are disappointed, self-pity is your worst enemy. The weird thing about self-pity is that it is masochist in nature. You are actually, proactively, engaging in something that make you feel bad.

In other words, don’t expect to always be great. Disappointments, failures and setbacks are a normal part of the lifecycle of a unit or a company and what the leader has to do is constantly be up and say ‘we have a problem, let’s go and get it’.  – Colin Powell

Here’s How to Come Back Stronger from Setbacks

how to be stronger

1. Avoid ‘the shock’ by staying ahead of the game

Gilbert Brim once said: “sometimes we don’t know we are losing until the very end.” I love the Dutch culture where they tell it to you as it is, straightforward, no beating around the bush. Having lived in three different continents, I can confidently say that not many cultures share this characteristic. That is why there is a reluctance to deliver bad news.

I admire the courageous person who comes up to me and tells me frankly that my ship is about to sink. If you do not have that kind of people around you (and even if you do), try evaluating the situation yourself. If all of a sudden you are not being invited to the meeting, your partner is hiding information from you, or your best friend is avoiding you; you need to know – as Donald Trump put it- “what the hell is going on!”. In doing so, you can stay ahead of the situation that is about to explode in your face and avoid the shock. It’s the punches that we don’t see coming that knock us out!

2. Don’t be too hard on yourself

You have probably seen the image below before. Take a minute and really have a look at it again. Forget everything else. You have everything it takes to do what these people did: mount an insane comeback. The best part is that you already know that.

failures

3. Don’t blame, just learn

Life is a series of experiences, each one of which makes us bigger, even though sometimes it is hard to realize this. For the world was built to develop character, and we must learn that the setbacks and grieves which we endure help us in our marching onward.  – Henry Ford

Take responsibility for your part of the failure but do not go overboard by blaming yourself. Life is unfair, perhaps someone treated you unfairly. Get over it so that it does not consume you. If you stay positive, you do not lose in life; you just learn and get stronger.

(a)  Be open to feed back

There is nothing more powerful in your step forward towards learning and recovering than good feedback.  Getting feedback from people directly involved in the situation will help you asses and analyse what went wrong and how to avoid the same in the future.

(b)  Learn about your alternatives

Many a time we condition ourselves into believing that our set of skills and experience confine us to do certain jobs and that’s it. We fail to see the enormous opportunities that are out there that may have nothing to do with the way we define ourselves. If you find something you love, you should go for it. At times of crises when you have nothing to lose, having a go is so uplifting.

(c)   Learn new skills

Become better than yesterday when the setback happened. Learning a new skill not only enhances who you are, but it also builds your confidence back by giving you a sense of achievement.

The skills you acquire can always be effectively redeployed. You will look back on setbacks and be grateful for the catalyst that came not a moment too soon. – Tom Freston

4. Don’t be in a rush to bounce back

One of the greatest misconceptions today is that strong people bounce back from setbacks instantaneously. Now it’s true that you should not dwell over spilt milk but it does not mean you should rush things. There is a difference between a quick recovery and a hurried recovery process. Enjoy the many blessings in life while you plan your next move. Trust me, you are better off than jumping straight back into a vicious circle.

5. Redefine what makes you happy

If you really sit down and count how many wonderful things are in your life, you realize that you do not actually need to get everything you set out for. I am by no means saying that you should not be disappointed when you don’t succeed in your endeavour. Of course you should. You put your blood, sweat, and tears into it. But remember, happiness has nothing to do with winning or losing. Look around you and be thankful of what you have already. This will make you even stronger on your way back to recovery. Find gratitude in the present moment because as someone once said “life is what‘s happening to you while you are busy making other plans”.

Final Note

We all hit that bump in the road sometimes. Hell, sometimes the setback feels more like a brick wall. Make your recovery a fantastic journey by following the advice mentioned in this article. Do not spin out of control; do not despair! Grab a hold of that wheel and steer yourself straight!


Source:

Brainy Quote Setbacks
Coming Back From a Setback
Developing Resilience: How to Bounce Back From Setbacks
5 Tips to Overcome a Major Setback
7 Ways to Bounce Back from Life’s Inevitable Setbacks
How to Deal with Setbacks
how to be productive

4 Tips on How to Make the Most of Your Day

Not everyone has the same opportunities in life. Some people come from wealthier families, some have better conditions or education and some people are born into cultures which give them the edge on the competition. The only thing in life that is consistent, is the amount of time we have. Everyone has the same amount of time, 24 hours, and the way in which you choose to use those 24 hours will determine your results.

Multiple professional speakers and high-achievers talk about the 5am club because they know the power of waking up early and fully using the day. This is what my episode is about, how to make better use of the 24 hours you have.

The 4 tips are very simple:

  1. Plan your day. This is important because with 10 minutes of planning you are able to save 1 hour of execution. Imagine planning 1 hour per week, that would result in 6 hours of execution time saved. Saved, for a rainy day, or a day where you want to write that book you have been putting off for years.

To see the other 3 tips you’ll need to watch the video 😉

Enjoy, and please check out my website or YouTube channel for more information.

Cheers

 

5 Tips for Keeping Your Brain Healthy as You Grow Old

5 Tips for Keeping Your Brain Healthy as You Grow Old

People used to think, rather pessimistically, that as you aged, your brain slowed down and it became harder to learn. Losing cognitive ability seemed inevitable, improvement a lost cause. Although your brain ages with your body, and that does pose some challenges, new research in neuroscience is showing this fatalistic mentality is misplaced – there are actually lots of ways to keep your brain healthy as you grow old, and even improve it.

1.    Exercise Your Body

Healthy living tips often point out that physical activity prevents heart disease, keeps your body in shape, and has a whole host of other physical benefits, but did you know it also plays a role in improving brain health? A study of over 1,000 New Yorkers looked at how exercise was associated with memory and cognitive abilities. According to Time, the five-year study revealed that those who worked out regularly slowed their brain’s aging by as much as 10 years. Although this study didn’t show exercise could be used to reverse aging, it definitely adds weight to the idea exercise can be used to keep your brain healthy.

2.    Exercise Your Brain

Although working out your body will boost brain health, that’s not the only exercise you need if you want to keep your brain young. You need to keep your brain active, too. The Alzheimer Association recommends to keep learning, playing strategy-based games, and reading challenging material. Even though you might associate school with childhood or young adults, continuing to take classes throughout your life, or when you’re retired, will give your brain the workout it needs to stay healthy throughout your life and stave off dementia.

3.    Eat Right

Many people have sworn by the Mediterranean diet, but new evidence from the Columbia University Medical Center proves it’s not a fluke – out of 700 people, those who ate lots of fruits and veggies, nuts, whole grains and “good” monounsaturated and polyunsaturated fats were much healthier according to the Cleveland Clinic. Brain scans actually showed that those on the Mediterranean diet had more white and grey matter, so they’re more likely to have better muscle control and sharper senses.

This isn’t the only diet that’s been improving brain health. According to the Huffington Post, those concerned about healthy living can also follow a diet called Dietary Approaches to Stop Hypertension (DASH) or a mix between this and the Mediterranean called MND. In any case, all follow common healthy living tips, like eating foods that are more natural while avoiding bad fats like butter and cheese as well as processed foods like fast food and sweets.

4.    Build Social Ties

Having few social connections can get isolating with age, and no one wants to be lonely, but cultivating social bonds may do more than make us feel fulfilled and loved. An article published in the Journal of Psychosocial Nursing and Mental Health Services looked at several studies related to social engagement and cognitive abilities in later life. The evidence adds up, having a supportive group of people around, even if you don’t always engage them, can be enough to reduce cognitive decline. If improving brain health even further is a priority- and why wouldn’t it be- you should go a step further and stay active in your social network by regularly participating in activities. That means you can simply spend time with your family and friends, or even other people by volunteering or anything else that gets you to interact with others.

5.    Master New Skills

When you’re young, everything is new and stimulating, but adults, especially older ones, have already found their niche and settled in. It’s not that they’ve discovered and done everything, it’s just that they’re comfortable with the routine. However, improving brain health means breaking out of that safety bubble and putting yourself out there again to explore new things. A study of 200 people tested whether learning new and challenging skills could improve memory. The study compared memory in people who learned how to quilt or use digital photography against a control group that just met to chat, do simple puzzles, or listen to classical music according to NPR. The more challenging the skill, the more their memory improved.

Protecting your brain as you age should be a top priority, especially since using skills, memory, and training makes up such a big part of a person’s identity. Also, there are many supplements for memory which can be of use. Unfortunately, just like most things in life, the time-tested phrase use it or lose it seems to apply. If you aren’t actively engaging your brain or your body, it starts to wear down and stop performing the way it used to. Luckily, by following these healthy living tips designed to improve brain health, your brain will remain sharp throughout the years.

Related: Dementia risk in the UK going down, suggests study